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SpiderCrawler7
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Name: Eileen
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 12/7/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Playing Final Fantasy, reading comics, playing cards, eating, sleeping, the usual.
Expertise: Play video games
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/1/2003
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| I don't know... I'm just lost right now. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have a small idea, but how to get there is the question. I've avoided reality so far, but now I'm still not ready to face it. After the whole incident of maybe losing the house, but luckily we were able to keep it. Where do I go from here? I don't know where to go anymore. FUCK!!!! I just want to fast forward my life and see where I'm at in 10 years already. I'm not motivated in school, but my goal is still there. I have the ideas, I'm just having troubles making them into reality. I don't have anyone really to talk to about this. I think it is because I promised myself never to emotionally rely on others. It's too painful to think that they will be there anytime, but it turns out they can't be there even when you need them the most. Crap I feel like a failure right now and it is only my first year in school.
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| I'm so gonna cry at graduation. Ha yeah right. welll I
don't know if I am or not. As I think about graduation I feel so
nostalgic that I don't want to end everything that has been going
on. Like all the new people that I've met. How all the
people that I've known for years and now I won't see them. Yes I
consider myself a loner, but after this year I question everything.
Like can I be the person I am in an unfamiliar area? Or will I take
this opportunity to be the person that I've always wanted to be.
A good person that doesn't lower the self esteem for fun, but only
become mean when a person is a bitch. Some who know me say that I
am too nice for my own good which I sometimes find so hard to
believe. Just recently I finally watched the footage from my 18th
birthday and when I heard all the speeches I couldn't stop but feel
murderous rage for them. HOwever after each one I couldn't help
but smile at the end of each one. I cried at each one of them
because these are the people who know me the best or I've been with
them my whole life. There is just so many memories that were
brought up and many other nicknames that are known only amongst
them. For the final days of my school year I have been
remembering so many things. Like everytime I meet up with
friends I am reminded of the small things good and bad.
Then I think about what I could have done or I should have done.
I would love to stick to what I believe in and that is now matter how
long I've known you just know that I'll be there no matter what.
I like to be the one person who would be supportive and be someone to
lean on. Then I realized that I am one person and that there is
only so much that I can do. I will miss the time I spent everyday
with these people. It will be kind of weird not seeing them as
part of my daily routine. My memories will fade of these
precious times. I'm afraid of starting over. I want to be
independent but I want someone to lean one. Someone who I know
will always be there. I tried to find that person one night and
it me the people I know will not be there for me when i need
them. I learned that I can only rely on myself and that to rely
on others is worse. I never want to go through that pain
again. I have family but they were too late. Yes I know
they are around me, but the thing is that I have bad timing and I call
when they are not available, but it is at those times that I need them
most. Oh wells with my luck all that I know for sure is my own
sanity. So in the years to come everything is fleeting and I know
that parting won't be hard for me. So I will take what ever
strength I have left and start anew. Hopefully I won't become in
a depressed state like in years before.
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| Lets see it has been more than six months since my
last update. Well I started the school year with a lot of shit on
my mind. Again the future creeping up on me and had me all
stressed. Even the idea of me not walking at graduation.
I've made so many mistakes in these past however many months that it
gets me so depressed. Then to add on to all this I opened a
letter which I wrote to myself back when I was in eighth grade as a
project for an old class. I read it and felt no difference to how
I am now. Then reading the promises I never kept just added salt
to the wound. As I read each line I realized how unsociable I was
back then compared to now. I mean I'm a little more open I think
or hopefully at the least. Now the goals with my club is slowly
getting completed and the only thing that I feel that I won't
accomplish is a future anime club. It gets me sad when I know
after two years it is all over. THe things I've done are gonna
disappear. Sigh.... what to do.... then college is another thing
that lingers in my mind lately. I have decided that I won't go to
a Cal State college and go to community for one year. I want job
experience for a year to see how well I'll do in they business.
I'm also torn between occupations. Medical or Business. Or
both.....CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP.....well there is an upside to all
this.
I'm happier this year then all my other years if I
can recall correctly. Though my goals are still rough, I'm happy
with the people surrounding me right now. Another thing that has
been bugging me is the decision to leave them or stick around to enjoy
life more. Because I want to go to a CC near my cousins because
to me they are like my brothers and sisters...very abusive brothers and
sisters. Then part of me wants to keep in touch with these new
found friends. Now here is the downside to all of this. It
is hard for me to keep in touch with people. See I have a twisted
mind. The people I know now are just fleeting and I'm just
friendly with them just to past the time. I know that after high
school I will never ever keep in touch with them. I can only
think of 5 people that I actually want to keep close ties with.
The rest are just disposable.... They are just there to entertain me
till I leave. Oh a nice quote from my 14 year old self "nothing
has greater power than the bond between friends," I wish I could
believe that now. Have I gotten more depressed over time, or is
that my thoughts are still the same and I'm just repeating the
cycle. I think that is why I have been so tired
lately. Or maybe because of the late nights and mindless
activities I do.
I'm too decisive on everything. My
future is someting I don't look forward too. Ugh this is all just bull
shit. I just want to say that I don't want to grow
up. I want to be at a stand still with my age. Oh
wells. I feel tired right now so I'll stop here. Peace out.
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| It's summer now and I haven't blogged in a long time. Well here
is the updated info on what has happened since the depressing
election. Well one I found out that I don't really fit in the Key
Club pose. It was more on forced on purpose, but never
invited. See I wanted to demolish clicks, however I would have
formed a click myself. Anyways I went to my other club that I
love dearly for its laziness and it is Anime Club. I won the
Presidential position for that. Yeah in our school scuff at the
club and many never new it existed. I have found a place where I
can begin anew and place the energy that I was reserving for Key Club
to Anime Club. I have so many hopes for the club, but I really
need to find the batch of people who will assist in the reforming of
the club. I've been learning about its history from other people
who have been there since it was made three years ago. The DRAMA
I heard was ridiculous. Anyways I found a group already that are
prepared with their dedication presented. I'm still a novice when
it comes to the technical stuff and my officers haven't had formal
training and I am trying to build up traditions for the club. See
this club only watched anime for the meetings and didn't do much.
It was a sad site for others, but I loved that laziness.
It was after the Key Club election that I saw the flaws in the club and
noticed that the club will not last after a couple of years. So I
will transfer the little knowledge I have about officer positions and
try to rely on the ill equipped. Man that sounds degrading
towards them. Okay so I have a plan and some juicy ideas that
seem to branch off from Key Club ideals. Next year I know this
may sound evil and vengeful, but I will make anime club one of the big
clubs on campus just to rub it in K.C. face at their lack of extending
the hand of friendship and keeping it to a click status. My
senior year is meant for change and I will change many things before I
leave that shit hole of a school. I don't care if people will
call us loser losers because once they leave the school nothing will
protect them. I'll stop there with my diabolical
plans. Still I will leave an impact in the place that considered
me non-existant.
Now aside from club stuff I did horrible for grades. I think this
is the worst GPA I've gotten so far. I slacked off too
much. THat was a big no no. So I am left with another
dilemma which is how am I to get my parents off my ass about my
grades. My only hope is to get a 4.0 so I won't have to hear
about their concerns about my grades. I think that should be a
good reason to do good for my final year. First I think I will do
my English assignment soon. Well aside from that I need to do
better on my SAT so I will retake it and study for it this
time. I have to develop studying habits and I need to decide
where I should go. I can't go to CSUSB because of Emily's
bitching. I have to find a school where I can try everything and
find the profession that suits me best. I want to be happy in
life and enjoy every part of my job that leads to material
luxuries. Damn the future is creeping up on me again. Well
I think I will stop here for now since I feel sleepy. Peace out
yo.
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| Man the end of the semester passed and I wait for my grades ::shivers::. I know what my grades are and I did bad. T_T Man I slacked off tooo much. It is just that time went by too fast. Well lets see went to my friend's house in December and slept over. It was fun I lost money, but it was still fun. I love the experience. Anyways Christmas was fucking awesome with all my cousins. I finally got my revenge on my sister for the 17 years of pain and suffering she has given me. I felt so good, but I didn't really get a chance to really pulverize her. As the rules in AFC no striking, no biting, no scratching, and the way to win is by submission through chokes or the audience (other cousins) decides who the winner if it goes on for too long. There never really was a AFC tournament liked we hoped because some had to leave so it has to wait for the summer. I got some great presents from them like a Spider-Man Lunch pal, manga, money, and clothes. It was so great seeing them again. Then me and Emily wanted to stay longer and we begged my parents for us to stay. They kept saying no. Then when we were heading home we reached Hayward. Finally at the last minute they said we could stay and got our stuff and put it inside the house. Everyone else was in Daly City at this time where we came from. Everyone was pissed when they found out that me and emily didn't leave. My parents and grandma went home that day though because of work.
So we stayed there an extra week and it was still fun. We watched King Kong which I found to be a good movie. I wasted a lot of my money there. I bought 3 more manga and spent 60 bucks on 3 cousins as belated gifts since their birthdays past and one is coming up in April, Then I still need to get 2 more since there is 3 birthdays total in April. Yeah going there for spring break because one of them is turning 18. No Debut, but a huge ass party. I just loved chilling with everyone. I love the random talks that just happen. Plus we took an updated cousin picture. I like the new pics we took. ALso the lady who took our picture was coolios. She was like an auntie to us. Well after all that stuff of traveling from one house to the next we had to head back home. We took a bus. It was the worst thing ever. I will never take a bus again. It was a piece of crap. Anyways I was home agian, but I had school the next day and didn't come home till late. We also made a stop by our old hometown since we were close there. Visited my ninang Chato's house just chilled there for a bit. Then as we were leaving I dropped the pics of us the group cousin pic. Man it is still there. I'll get it over the weekend hopefully. Well school went by and I finished driver's ed and got my pink slip. Now I need to take my permit test.
Here is some depressing news that happened. We had Key Club elections and I ran for presidency. I lost.... The club I was most devoted to and loved so much. I lost I can't lead them. Usually a lost in elections wouldn't bother me, but this did. I didn't know why, but it bothered the shit out of me. I got to the point where I cried because of it. See people said that I should have won and that I would have been a better choice. What bothered me the most is that nobody publicly said I was a better choice. They said it to me as I talked to them as if it was plain sympathy. If they thought I would have been a better choice then why didn't they nominate me on the day of nominations. I was there and not one person did anything. Then when the current president asked me why I wasn't on the list and I told her I want to be nominated by people who want me to run. My friend over heard this and place that nomination. I was disappointed in that. I expected the outcome not in my favor. Oh wells I said in my head and yet I continued. The sad thing about all this is that it has really shaken the foundation of my dedication. I'm at a point where I want to quit being in Key Club. I see the flaws and yet I do nothing. I try even though it is second semester to get more members in the club. I know for a fact that I haven't been active this year as much as I want to, but other things keep me from it. It pisses me off that I can't be there 100 percent of time. I hoped to get an officer position for my senior year, but that won't happen. The election has been over for two weeks and it still bothers me. I know people who has xanga and know me will be like WTF. Well here I want to vent out. One person saw me in a depressed state when I learned about the results. Now I'm still debating on if I should still be in the club. I have fond memories in it, but they are a blur to me. I think next year I won't be in Key Club maybe. I mean I feel an obligation to do things to help restore the purpose of the club which is helping the community. Somehow it has lost its sight on that. I see a bleak future for Key Club.
Okay I think I'm done for now. So laters people till the next time I put a blog. ^_^
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